December 15, 2021

PARASITE

păr′ə-sīt″

noun

1. An organism that lives and feeds on or in an organism of a different species and causes harm to its host.

2. One who habitually takes advantage of the generosity of others without making any useful return.

3. One who lives off and flatters the rich; a sycophant.

Have you ever felt like the life is just being drained out of you? Like no matter what you do its just not enough? Do you feel tired but not sure why? Have you felt like you give so much but don’t receive? Have you sacrificed a lot in order to help others? Well… you might just have a parasite.

I know, such a lovely topic to present at Christmas time. So let me explain…

Do you have that someone in your life who makes you feel tired? Like legitimately tired. For those of us who are introverts, it may be extroverts. For those of us with depression, it might be those who just are so happy all the time. For those of us with money, it might be those who are dependent upon us financially.

The sad truth is living with a parasite is not always so obvious. We make excuses for them without even knowing we are doing so. “Oh they are trying to find a job”, “oh they just love to have fun”, “they’re not lazy, I’m just a nag”, “I shouldn’t expect so much from them”, “they’re still learning”. Inadvertently feeding into this behavior that it’s okay to drain the life out of you. Why? Because we love them, we want the best for them and we think the best means keeping them happy but in order to keep them happy we end up letting them control our lives and feed on our energy, take advantage of our love, money or whatever else.

I’ve recently started to examine myself again; which might’ve been obvious since I haven’t posted in awhile. (Plus a lot has happened) I realize that my stress levels are always high, I can’t sleep, I’ve gotten sick twice, have a hard time keeping food down and it all stems from one behavior… I’m always exhausted. Before you ask, yes, I spoke to my doctor about all of this and yes he’s suggested some things that have helped. However, I’ve been struggling on other ends too…

I gave up getting my hair dyed (professionally) for my birthday because he needed money for his car.

I gave up my audible subscription so he could have a funimation subscription.

I gave up my serenity so he could have a roof over his head.

I gave up my trip to see my godparents for Christmas to help him get home from out of state.

I gave up financial stability and my savings for my own car so I could feed two, pay rent for two, and pay bills for two. The general essentials of comfort are but a small scale compared to the other demands.

I gave up my sleep schedule to spend more time gaming with him.

I gave up my dislike to be touched because his love language is physical touch.

I gave up the days I just want to be lazy so I can cook and clean for him.

Do I think he’s doing these things on purpose? Of course not, just like a monkey doesn’t know it’s a monkey—you can’t tell a living organism such as a parasite to stop behaving like one. You can’t tell a white person to stop being white. Or a Mexican to stop being Mexican. You can’t tell a parasite they are one or they lash out at you and make you feel like the intolerant person.

The real issue is—I let this parasite into my home, my life and continue to let it feed on my joy and my energy. It all stems from that sense of insecurity of letting the person I love down, caring too much, or wanting what’s best for them so you help too much. I make all the excuses in the world, blame myself and sometimes even start fights just to feel like a horrible person and say I’m sorry so I get an answer instead of recognizing the real source of the problem. Accurately enough, its because I legitimately would do anything for him. I want to see him succeed. I want to see him happy. I want whatever he wants out of his life even if it means to stop chasing my own dreams. Unfortunately “would do anything for” has turned into “does everything for”; “see him succeed” turned into force him to proceed. Like I said before… love wouldn’t be called falling if it didn’t hurt?

This may not be as relatable a post as I want it to be, to go in depth into children, family members, coworkers, etc would mean even more energy… and I’m just tired…

So incredibly tired.

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