September 24, 2021

Serenity.

It’s been a rough last couple months. From moving out of the ex-boyfriends house, to helping my friend get back on his feet while trying to remain stable myself. To the work load slowly escalating as we get into flu season. To having a kidney infection and being rushed to the ER. As you might guess, if you follow my life and its story, pushing forward through hardships is kind of an occupational hazard. It’s so “normal” for me to expect the worst and be prepared for it, meanwhile never catching a break and feeling overwhelmed.

Then today… I hit a moment of serenity.

I finally have the apartment to myself. Even though I have to work, the silence is breath taking. I can hear my thoughts think, without my empathy reading the mind of the self-destructive roommate. I can sip my coffee and meditate, focusing entirely on the task at hand that work throws at me.

I. Can. Breathe.

So is this what peace feels like?

Last night, my friend finally realized he had been taking advantage of me. For the last three months I’ve allowed him to live with me rent fee, fed him from my pantry, made him food, did his laundry, and allowed him to waste his time gaming. I finally put my foot down and reminded him that my charity is not free. I changed the wifi password, I shut off his phone data (which I also pay for), I made him a daily “chore” list and expectations and gave him an ultimatum. Of course, this did not go over well at first—truthfully, I doubt it still is. So last night when his teary eyes said a genuine “thank you” for setting boundaries, forcing him out of the house and to get a job and to get his life right, it kind of made the misery and defeated attitude I have held for the last 3 months worth it. Now I truly hope that this change is lasting, that he really will reach a level of adulthood in success and independence on his own, so that I can begin to call him my best friend again, to trust him and rely on him. I truly don’t want to have to kick him out on his ass. But, he’s had enough people babying him for too long and sometimes tough love is the only thing to snap people into place.

I don’t remember the last time I felt this way. A moment of clarity and calmness in my soul that just whispers to me that God is real. Sometimes my demon is able to calm me down but most times she’s the rage that gratifies my emotional turmoil. Then to have this breath, this life inside me, despite the close calls, despite the selflessness and the struggles, truly makes me grateful.

I am grateful for this apartment and the generosity of the greatest landlords ever.

I am grateful for having a full refrigerator and not wondering where the next meal is coming from.

I am grateful for my job, though stressful, I work with some of the greatest people on the planet and look forward to every day to learn and grow on my career.

I am grateful for my health, though it wavers, I am glad I’ve reached a level of mental and physical stability.

I am grateful for my personal spirituality.

I am grateful for my cat.

I am grateful for the friends who continue to stand by my side.

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