June 5, 2021

The end is where we begin.

I guess it just goes to show I haven’t made up for my past mistakes. My life still doesn’t know how to “rain” or “gently sprinkle” it always storms. Raging storms of turmoil and hardship, a hurricane, a typhoon, an earthquake all in one. The sad truth is, I’m so used to this that I have just become numb. What’s the next thing to go wrong? My whole body anticipates it. So much so that if things are going right and going smoothly, I become tense and irritable because I know all hell is about to break loose.

I guess if I were to practice what I preach, and focus on one positive. I’m going to be moving to be closer to my best friend. Something we had planned on and talked about since we both left college. Now that its happening, the fact that I work from home and can take work with me, it seems exactly the perfect time. Accept, is it? I don’t have a car or let alone a legal driver’s license. I have enough money to perhaps get a U-haul but then wouldn’t be able to drive it. Do I really have no one? No, I have some people who care…they are just all too far to do anything but stay up late on FaceTime and let me cry until my lungs hurt.

I guess the next right thing is that a dear friend has stepped back into my life. Someone I didn’t think I missed as much as I do. Yet even their circumstances are at their lowest. My boomerang came back and both our hearts are breaking. Together I know we are stronger. Together I know if we are trusting and truthful, our new relationship will soar to our highest. But how am I supposed to take us there? What am I supposed to do? Let them drown? Loose them again because my life has been a mess since they left? Or keep pretending that I’m okay and hope they don’t notice? No, they’ll notice. They’ll feel it. They’ll shut me out.

Finally had the conversation with the boyfriend… it didn’t go as I had planned. He brought it up, I could’t lie. What was I supposed to answer to the question “do you even still want this, us, to be with me?” I wanted to take him for a walk, to talk through each point together, to have him read my letter before he tried to talk me out of my decision. Instead, he brought it up, I said “no”, he read my letter, he sat their raging inside, and hasn’t spoken to me really since.

Then this morning, I get an email that my Uncle past away. He had been struggling with cancer for awhile… I guess I shouldn’t be surprised but I wasn’t prepared, I wasn’t ready, no-if I’m moving up North, in the back of my head I thought it be so nice to go see my two Uncles…now…only one?

Perhaps this sanwementa isn’t as clear as the rest, my own mind is darkly clouded. Back to surviving? No, I refuse. See what abomination emotions are?…did I take my medication this morning…?

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