June 2, 2021

Ever since I could remember I’ve had medical problems. Under my parents care, they were convinced that most of my issues stemmed from some sort of “demonic pressence” and such things as my depression and anxiety could just be “prayed away”. It took a night for me to sit my mother down and literally beg her to allow me to see a psychologist. It was the first time I heard the words “it’s okay to feel this way, it’s not you. You have a medical condition”. But, not until several years later and finally out under my parents control did I go back to the doctor and was diagnosed with Manic Major Depressive Disorder.

That was just the tip of the iceburg. Growing up, I wasn’t allowed to eat like a normal kid because of stomach issues I had since I was a very little girl. I remember I hated birthday parties because I wasn’t allowed to eat pizza, hot dogs, hamburgers or cake and ice cream. Kids at school were cruel when they saw my lunchbox was “rabbit food” and even worse when I was so skinny that middle school parents and teachers would whisper I was anerexic. Which, I wasn’t, at least not at that time.

Inspite of the bullying, I never experienced insecurities when it came to my physical appearance. I learned early on I was very attractive to the point where being called “beautiful” didn’t mean anything anymore. It still doesn’t. However, I developed a very clear trigger to my depression when asked about my conditions and why I couldn’t eat certain foods. Or why I was homeschooled. Or why I couldn’t read until I was 10 years old.

Every medical condition I have would prevent me from doing things or even being the person I wanted to be. I became suicidal and even anerexic in order to have “excuses” for my behavior. The learning disability that I have, made me so scared of people thinking I was stupid that I was so focused on studies in highschool and achieved a 4.0. It got so much to just need to escape that I turned to drugs and eventually was hospitalized after trying to commit suicide.

This past year 2020, has been the first year I started to almost feel like I could be normal. I finally was convinced to start treatment and be on proper medication. Despite everything in my present life that’s got me down, my doctor said to me today “continue on the path you are on, you’re doing really well and have come a long way.” Hearing that made me realize, I wish I had done this sooner. I wish I had accepted my mental state as a medical issue and my physical issues in order to get help and be the best person I know that I am.

Sometimes it takes a serious event in ones life to wake up. Other times it takes a person believing in the best for you. I’m gonna stop hesitating and start living. Because, yeah I have a learning disability, a mental disability and physical problems but thats just how it is—I don’t need people to understand, because only I will ever truly be proud to be me.

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