June 1, 2021

Rollercoasters.

I used to be so afraid of them. The idea of strapping myself down to a machine I had no control over, the possibility of breaks, going fast, upside or spinning. I was so deathly afraid of them. I would do everything in my power to avoid theme parks. Nothing in my rational or logical brain made sense for me to get onto a rollercoaster of any kind. Until the day a friend took my hand, walked me into a circus park with rides and said “I promise I won’t let anything happen to you”. I will forever remember that day as clearly as if it were yesterday. The sights, sounds, smells, what shirt I was wearing. The day I conquered my fear of rollercoasters. Now I love them! But not in life….

Lately, I’ve felt like my life is a rollercoaster. Not the fun, throw your hands up and scream at the top of your lungs “wheeeee!” But the fearful ones I used to be afraid of, as if I can date back to why I am afraid.

Some parts of my life, are amazing. I have a great job. I live in an amazing state. I have faithful and loving friends. But, every time I throw my hands up in excitement ready for the ride, the bottom drops and I hold on for dear life. No working car to encourage independence. No family of my own to spend holidays with. Issues with relationships I can’t fix. Debt I can’t pay. Every time I take a step for myself, something holds me back to actually move forward. Like I’m being chased by a zombie but I’m on a treadmill. The end is iminant.

I don’t think I remember what its like to be happy. Sure, I still laugh, have a good time, smile… but I mean that moment you realize you’re truly happy with your life and who you are. Even when I think back to the one moment that echos in my head as everything was right with my world at the time, it doesn’t make logical sense that I felt that way because everything wasn’t right with my world. So then, I realized. It’s because at that moment I was happy.

At the end of the day, I don’t have much to complain about. I have the essentials to life and health. So coming to the hard decision of I need to move out and break things off with my boyfriend in order to pursue my empowerment and my pursuits, is hard. When do you tell yourself its okay to be selfish? How do you be selfish when you’ve always been about survival? When will I stop surviving and start thriving?

Wish me luck, I’m about to pursue a future I’ve spent the last two years building by destroying someone else’s.

2 thoughts on “June 1, 2021

  1. I certainly recognize what you’re saying here (except the part about breaking up with a boyfriend). I can’t say when I’ve been happy. As you said, I laugh and enjoy others’ company and the like, but beneath it all is a dread or a disappointment or just plain darkness that I know will assert itself eventually. Honestly, i don’t think I would trust happiness if it came to me. It will just leave again.

    I hope you find what you need to keep going.

    Like

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