May 28, 2021

It’s amazing the way memory works. Sounds, sights, smells, all act as triggers for our mind to work its memory magic. Unfortunately they aren’t all pleasant memories. The struggle has always been to create a memory filter so one might only remember the good.

For me, I so rarely have good things happen in my life that the good memories quickly fade away or are drowned by the painful ones. It took a long time for me to learn not to hold onto pain and let it affect my present life. To not dwell in the past, but learn from it and keep moving forward. Every once and awhile, though, I’ll have a dream that triggers a memory of a person or event in my life that often ruins my whole day. Most times though, regular day things always remind me of people and I’m willing to admit that I have hung on to certain objects in order to remember happier times in my life.

Some of these objects, remain hidden from my daily field of view. Mostly because admiting I still have them is often very painful. Once the discovery of one such item, caused a boyfriend to go balistic stating “you must not be over him if you still hang on to this”. So since then, I’ve kept these objects hidden from prying questions.

Recently, I had an old “ex” friend reappear in my life. This relationship didn’t end very smoothly and resulted in many other friendships disappearing from my life as well. I had predicted awhile ago that this particular person was my “boomerang” as he consistently will reappear in my life and always at the perfect time. Unfortunately, I had also predicted that due to some of his life choices that not only would he come crawling back to me but that it would be due to a failed relationship and miserable life. I truthfully didn’t hope for these things to actually come to pass, because dispite the way he treated me, I’ve always seemed to have a special place for him in my heart. Not a romantic place anymore, but because of the intimacies we shared on a very deep mental and spiritual level. One of my other close friends had also the belief that he was and will never be fully over me. Of course, my pride liked the sound of that but the idea also made me very sad for him. When you find a true “soulmate” and you choose to deny your heart of that fulfillment, you will never be fully happy and in the end make yourself and others very miserable; finding yourself continually drawn to that person. Now, I don’t know if this prediction is true, but he did of course “come back to me”, needing my friendship, my forgiveness and my support, just like I knew he would.

Am I happy about it? I don’t know yet. Did I miss him? I’m finding out that I have… a lot more than I thought I did.

The “perfect timing” is what is the craziest to me. For the night before I recieved a text from him, I had had a dream about him. Of course, the way my memory serves me, I had woken up thinking about him which triggered both happy memories and sad ones. To speak the truth, due to my state of affairs with my boyfriend I had been thinking of past exes frequently in order to run over possible outcomes in my mind from my other experiences. So the irony of him messaging me was almost too predictable. In fact when he did, we were in the drive through at Whataburger and my initial reaction was “this better not be who I think this is”. My boyfriend looked at me and said “who do you think it is?” And next moment my suspicion was confirmed and I shouted “oh my fucking gawd I knew it. It’s $$$$$$.”

So here we go again…

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