April 26, 2021

Today is just one of those days that I am overwhelmed by everything and too tired to do anything about it.

My Apple Watch says I slept a total of 10h 40m, but only 1h of deep sleep. Not that I go by technology to tell me how to feel, but that 1h of deep sleep certainly feels like none at all. I know I’ve struggled with sleep for awhile now. Even as a child, I had trouble. Not typical childlike unable to sleep ‘mommy I’m scared’ but waking up every hour on the hour wide awake and struggling to go back to sleep. Night-terrors, nightmares and the like began much later.

That’s the thing though… I’m always tired. Not when I am unable to sleep or hit a rough patch of nightly Night-Terrors. I’m just tired. The kind of tired that drags on for days. Where you feel like you’re sluggish but functioning. I dark cloud hanging over your head. The whispers to yourself that tomorrow will get better, but it never truly does. Feeling like no one understands what its like to be you, knowing that its illogical to ask anyone to empathize because only you can feel your feelings. Science and logic fail you when there’s no reasoning or cause behind the drag, behind the tears or behind the inability to answer the question ‘how are you’ honestly. I’ve come up for a solution for that as well:

Boyfriend: “How are you today?”

Me: “I haven’t decided yet.”

I haven’t yet decided to choose my emotion I portray, or even to acknowledge the irrotational side of my being as having control over me. I haven’t decided if today is a day at all, or if I’m still awake, or if I even want to exist. I’m existing with cause and purpose to define myself without emotion. I haven’t decided yet.

I don’t think he knows the stress he unintentionally causes me. His inability to see and do the obvious. I’ve literally set myself alarms to get him out of bed for work. Set myself reminders for him to clean off his desk. Set myself reminders to check the laundry to remind him to do it so he has work clothes. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could remind myself to do my chores, to do my laundry, to take a moment to breathe deeply? Don’t get me wrong, he is constantly improving. I see it. I acknowledge the efforts he makes on a daily basis to keep our house clean and sanitary. It’s the effort I have to make to give him the effort to create good habits that’s exhausting.

The stress doesn’t stop there. Work is constantly demanding these days, with new responsibilities and new things to learn when I haven’t mastered the first responsibilities yet. Every day is different, one day it’s the customer’s complaint, next its a coworkers, next it’s mine. Review, review, review, and always grateful for the help and knowledge I receive from my team, even if it does come a little too late or a little too early.

How come it’s my job? because I took charge. Because I initiated. Because I’m the one with all the experience. This applies to not just the work that I get paid to do but my relationships as well…

How come it’s my job to organize a crew to play Sea of Thieves with? Well, because I’m the one who has everyone’s discords. How come it’s my job to collect all the data for the customer? Well, because I’m the one who came up with the idea to make it easier on the customer to view all the data they need. How come it’s my job to wake up my boyfriend in time for work? Well, because I’m constantly scared of him loosing his job and making my life more difficult, that I just started waking him up when I hear his alarm blaring for 30 min straight. How come it’s my job to search for houses to rent and make appointments? Well, because I’m the one who is the organizational pro, the clean-freak, and the one who has moved 18 times with several different roommates, on my own or with family in the course of my adult life. This will make the 19th… and hopefully the second to last before I finally own my own house.

Yet within all those things, people have their opinions. People have their wants and their happiness. Oh you’re doing it wrong. Oh I want a room and an office. Oh I need this report by end of day Monday. Yet I’m the one with the workload, the stress that has to keep them happy. So… I ask for help? Gratefully in work, it works, I get help–my questions answered. In regular life? It’s like a hole new ball game.

“Hey babe, can you clean the house this week so I can finish resewing the couches?”

“Hey potential roommate, can you call these places and set up appointments to view the property so I can clean my house?”

“Hey friends, I can’t get on WoW today I have chores to do and appointments to set up.”

By the end of the day, it’s always been a goal of mine to make one new person laugh. A stranger in the parking lot at Wal-Mart, a IT guy who’s working on my computer, the collection person calling about my debt for the 12th time this week. But even if I don’t accomplish making one person laugh, I know by the end of each day I’ve upset at least 1 person, I’ve made at least 2 others lives easier and I’m completely miserable…. and so, so very tired.

The cat’s meowing his head off, better go feed him.

Have I eaten today?

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